When I saw today’s word this morning, my heart sank. I could tell it’s an easy word, a potent word, a word that could go in a lot of directions. At least, I could tell that those things were true for other people, today.

I dressed, left for work, stood numbly in the subway, unable to understand what I was reading – reading and re-reading and re-reading, trying to make my exhausted brain get it this time. I trudged from Penn Station to my office, my feet heavy, my bags heavy, my head heavy.

I worked, hard hard work all day, never even turning around once to see that it was a sunny day out my window. Never getting up to go to the bathroom. Work work work. Intellectual and creative work today, editing a manuscript, wanting to give my dear author my best work for his own best work. Other manuscripts waiting, other authors writing and calling, other problems all around, no time to stop for anything work work work. My forehead aches from the frowning of hard thinking, and from the pressures of things I did not get to today.

I let this word lie in the back of my mind, hoping something would emerge, some way of dealing with this word, but nothing came. I thought today would just be a pass – I’m not whipping myself, this is an enjoyable and challenging project, if I just can’t do it today I just can’t do it.

And then I realized that this day taught me something about growth. Nothing can grow without space to grow in. A seed from an enormous tree might sprout and grow in a very small pot, but it will never be big, it will always be stunted; nothing wrong with the seed, everything wrong with the pot. Growth needs sleep, rest, food, space.

no growing today

If I want to commit myself to nurturing my own creativity, to growing, something has to change. And change is a-coming.