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Between you wonderful people who leave comments, and my own bit of insight I got several minutes ago, I think I’ve got it figured out. Here are the important bits:
- As Kty reminded me, it’s a process, and it will take time to reorient myself into a new way of living. Be patient.
- As Marnie noted, why don’t I just cut myself a little slack and force a period of slackerdom before I leave for the World’s Best Wedding next week. I’ll get bored and want to do things that matter.
- And as Pip commented, it’s time to nurse myself back to health with rest, good food, and green all around – outside and in my belly.
And here’s the bit I figured out for myself: I want a balanced life, and that means tending to basic things on a regular basis. Be sure I get enough rest. Be sure I eat things that are healthy (and when I splurge, splurge well! Dark chocolate! Strawberries! Greek yogurt!). Be sure I get fresh air every day, if I can. Be sure I use my body every day.
So I asks myself, I says “Self? Did you get outside yet today?” And if the answer is no, I take a break and take a little walk. I have a tendency to get focused on one thing and just stay with it, no matter what. I’m on the computer? Then I’m on the computer and don’t even get up to pee. I’m knitting and watching a movie? Then I’ll knit and watch 1, 2, 3 movies. Instead, I’ll try to think “hey, I’ve been on the computer for a long time. Have I used my body today? No? Then how about a bit of yoga or a walk.”
That sounds pretty gentle as an approach. Not Draconian, or Prussian. Not all or nothing. Just kind of balanced.
I spent the day working, finishing up the very last bits of my old work, then I took a walk (and it’s hotter and steamier than I thought it was!), so now I’m going to take a quick shower, then knit for a while as my husband makes our dinner. A bit of this, a bit of that. I’ve had a good day.
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greek yogurt with greek honey - luscious
It’s so strange, going from having too little (time) to having an abundance. From having too much (stress) to having almost none. I don’t quite know what to do with myself.
I know what I want to do with myself! I want to arrange a life of balance, that’s the big picture. I want to do yoga regularly, to strengthen my very bad back; I want to walk regularly, to be outdoors and to benefit my heart; I want to lose a bit of weight and eat well; I want to write; I want to line up enough work so I don’t feel frantic about it; I want to make things; I want to stay connected to people; I want to keep my house clean and neat. Balance.
If I’m not careful, though, I piddle away time without doing anything at all. I sit with my laptop, just checking this site one more time and oh yeah let me look at that one and oh wait I need to respond to this and after I look at that I’m shutting it down and getting busy and then it’s time for dinner. That’s what happened yesterday.
I tend toward Prussian organization, which then collapses and I’m back to wasting. In other words, I get way too anal about it, like this: On Mondays from 8:30 to 8:45 do this. From 8:45 to 9:45 do that. Tuesdays and Thursday from 7:15 to 8:45 do that. Every Wednesday afternoon from 3:00 to 4:15 do that. Rigid, strict, entirely structured. And all it takes, when you’re set up like that, is one fail and then the whole thing can wash down the drain. (Of course it needn’t, but if you’re a person with these tendencies, that’s what happens.)
So I think instead, well, how about if I just say “3 mornings a week I’ll spend an hour doing yoga” etc. But what I do in reality is this: well, right now I’ll just finish my coffee and poking around the internet, then I’ll get up and straighten up the living room – I’ll do yoga tomorrow.
Maybe, instead, I need to deconstruct the beginning – do what alcoholics have to do when they’re trying to learn how to stay clean. Break up the routine that supports the addiction. Right now, I get up and make a little pot of coffee — 2 mugs’ worth — and then I slowly drink my coffee and feel justified in poking around the internet. Just while I drink my coffee, you know? That’s all. Then I’ll get busy. But I take a long time with it! I may take 2 hours drinking those 2 mugs of coffee. A little sip, poke poke poke. Sip poke poke poke. Sip poke poke poke. It’s really really hard to break up that very slow start to my day. Every night I think, as I drift off to sleep, “in the morning, don’t open the computer, just take your coffee to the table and write by hand for 20 minutes. Just do that.” But then I don’t, because I’m tired. Or whatever.
My life has been entirely structured, forever. Babies’ nursing schedules, naptimes, picking up kids from school/snack/homework/dinner/baths/tucking in. My own college and grad school schedules. Work work work work work work, always at jobs that are intense and draining and never the kind that nourishes me in any way.
So now, here I am, for the first time in my 51 years of life, with time. I can’t squander it. Do you have any advice for me? How do you manage your time?
other friendly voices