i’ve never HAD time to kill! i don’t know what to do with it.
greek yogurt with greek honey - luscious
It’s so strange, going from having too little (time) to having an abundance. From having too much (stress) to having almost none. I don’t quite know what to do with myself.
I know what I want to do with myself! I want to arrange a life of balance, that’s the big picture. I want to do yoga regularly, to strengthen my very bad back; I want to walk regularly, to be outdoors and to benefit my heart; I want to lose a bit of weight and eat well; I want to write; I want to line up enough work so I don’t feel frantic about it; I want to make things; I want to stay connected to people; I want to keep my house clean and neat. Balance.
If I’m not careful, though, I piddle away time without doing anything at all. I sit with my laptop, just checking this site one more time and oh yeah let me look at that one and oh wait I need to respond to this and after I look at that I’m shutting it down and getting busy and then it’s time for dinner. That’s what happened yesterday.
I tend toward Prussian organization, which then collapses and I’m back to wasting. In other words, I get way too anal about it, like this: On Mondays from 8:30 to 8:45 do this. From 8:45 to 9:45 do that. Tuesdays and Thursday from 7:15 to 8:45 do that. Every Wednesday afternoon from 3:00 to 4:15 do that. Rigid, strict, entirely structured. And all it takes, when you’re set up like that, is one fail and then the whole thing can wash down the drain. (Of course it needn’t, but if you’re a person with these tendencies, that’s what happens.)
So I think instead, well, how about if I just say “3 mornings a week I’ll spend an hour doing yoga” etc. But what I do in reality is this: well, right now I’ll just finish my coffee and poking around the internet, then I’ll get up and straighten up the living room – I’ll do yoga tomorrow.
Maybe, instead, I need to deconstruct the beginning – do what alcoholics have to do when they’re trying to learn how to stay clean. Break up the routine that supports the addiction. Right now, I get up and make a little pot of coffee — 2 mugs’ worth — and then I slowly drink my coffee and feel justified in poking around the internet. Just while I drink my coffee, you know? That’s all. Then I’ll get busy. But I take a long time with it! I may take 2 hours drinking those 2 mugs of coffee. A little sip, poke poke poke. Sip poke poke poke. Sip poke poke poke. It’s really really hard to break up that very slow start to my day. Every night I think, as I drift off to sleep, “in the morning, don’t open the computer, just take your coffee to the table and write by hand for 20 minutes. Just do that.” But then I don’t, because I’m tired. Or whatever.
My life has been entirely structured, forever. Babies’ nursing schedules, naptimes, picking up kids from school/snack/homework/dinner/baths/tucking in. My own college and grad school schedules. Work work work work work work, always at jobs that are intense and draining and never the kind that nourishes me in any way.
So now, here I am, for the first time in my 51 years of life, with time. I can’t squander it. Do you have any advice for me? How do you manage your time?
Oh dear… I think it can take quite a time to forget all about our everyday schedule and to build a new way of life…
Unfortunately I’m not the one who can help you as I desperately run after time, all day long… Anyway : enjoy your new life and your daughter’s wedding.
On her own blog, Kty just wrote a post titled..La salade qui fait bronzer
that’s exactly what I need to remember – thank you! it takes time. i have to be patient – that’s part of the new life, actually. after i wrote this post, i realized that i was feeling like a working mother, always guilty about something. at work, should be taking care of kids. with kids, should be tending to work. i just need to be patient and take time. after all, i have time now.
maybe give yourself some un-guilt-ridden free time! Say “until I go to Wisconsin for the World’s Best Wedding, I’m not going to do ANYTHING USEFUL.” Just mess around online, write, cook, do what you feel like doing in the moment. I bet you 9 to 10 that you’ll get really bored of that after a little while and will feel motivated to focus on the one or two things that kept kicking around in the back of your mind while you weren’t “allowed” to work.
Just a thought.
give yourself a break …as far as I can see you’ve JUST stopped a highly stressful and draining job… you need to recover! Nurse yourself back to health by…loads of rest, any timewasting activites which don’t require any effort, healthy food with loads of raw vegetables, green veg, seeds and nuts, wheatgrass etc, walking in green surroundings. Under no circumstances feel that you should be doing anything other than recovering your equilibrium
I spend the first couple of weeks of the summer holidays doing this every year… 1 week to go before school breaks up and I can’t wait
Pip, it sounds like you know what you’re talking about!
I like your suggestions, every one. I think I’m going to do exactly what you outlined, from now through Thursday morning when I leave for Marnie’s wedding. Luckily I have a great market on the corner, full of beautiful fresh veg & fruits, and a gorgeous green park a few steps away. I guess I know what you’ll be doing a week from now. 
oh… and one more thing… a couple of treatments always help … I don’t know what’s available near you but personally i like indian head massage, shiatsu, reflexology… all help in the healing process
and feel great!
the good thing about new york city is that EVERYTHING is available nearby. i could certainly use a good massage; i think i have nearly 4 years of stress accumulated in my jaw and shoulder muscles, and that may even be why my back is so bad. hmmmm…