notes

On Thursday, November 3, 2011, 9:29 am, in daughter, it's the little things too, just life, my people, NY stories, by Lori

i miss katie. i really, really miss katie. why can’t i be in two places at once??

The insane boiler heat is back — thanks, co-op board — so I have my cool weather/hounds of hell heat headache once again. I woke up at 2am covered in sweat, and it had nothing to do with hot flashes and everything to do with the hissing radiators. Of course we have all our windows wide open, trying to modulate the temperature.

I’m not ready to get back to my regularly-scheduled life, so I take a minute here to stall it a bit more:

  • I put this on facebook so I would remember it — apologies, then, if you read it there. When I was in the Austin airport, the TSA agent was very chatty. I guess Texan trumps TSA, because she wasn’t grim and stern like they usually are. My turn came, and I stepped up to her little table and handed her my boarding pass and ID, expecting to be waved through after she scribbled on the boarding pass. Instead, she said “What’s your specialty?” Well! My immediate thoughts were I’m really good at being happy ….. I knit …. I make excellent bread …. and I just had no idea how to answer her, nor did I know why in the world she was asking me such a bizarre question. I thought maybe it was some kind of new TSA identity check, a person ought to be able to answer that immediately and if they can’t, maybe they’re not who they say they are. Then I ran through possible occupation answers I might give, but I never know how to answer that either: writer, editor, teacher, ah! Psychologist, I said. She smiled and said “It says Dr. on your boarding pass so I was just curious.” (p.s. if you’re on facebook, friend me!  I’m ldh.ny)
  • My cabbie last night was unusual. First, he was friendly and chatty, which is partly unusual. After he put my suitcase in the trunk and got settled in his seat, I gave him my destination. He said “Columbia.” “Yeah, near Columbia,” I answered. That’s good, I thought, since cabbies often misunderstand my address. Then he asked me if I’m a professor. I do teach undergraduate students, so the easiest answer was yes — and he just beamed. “How did I know!” he said through his big grin. He asked what subject I teach, and when I said psychology he said “Ah! I’m a very lucky person, I can ask you questions! You have a PhD?” When I said yes, I do, he said “I’m right again!” Then he talked a little bit about how arrogant Lindsay Lohan is, what’s wrong with her. He was so charming, seeing himself as such a lucky person, knowing so many things about me. It was a sweet ending to a sad travel day.
  • One awful thing about missing my Katie is that now I know the fine texture of her day, I can so easily imagine what she’s doing at any given time. It’s only 8:30 in Austin, as I write, so she’s sleeping, but she’ll be up soon, and she’ll make Trey’s lunch. My chest aches with the missing her.
  • My birthday is coming right up, this Sunday. I’ll be 53, which is startling because I think I’ve been saying that I’m 53 for the last several months. I always do this. The coolest thing is that Sunday is the day we change the clocks — spring forward, fall back — which means my birthday is 25 hours long this year. WHEE!  And it’s stunningly beautiful weather, and it will be through the weekend:

look at that!

  • I bought three gorgeous skeins of yarn at Hill Country Weavers (remarkable restraint, don’t you agree??), which I’ll photograph later. I also made a lot of progress on my Oz Delight sweater, which I’ll also photograph. Knitting post to come, then.
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smoking (pork butt)

On Monday, October 31, 2011, 5:56 pm, in daughter, Food, gratitude, joy, my people, by Lori

pork butt pork butt pork butt pork butt. pork butt.

Katie is baking pumpkin cookies and roasting pumpkin seeds, and Trey has spent this entire day slow-smoking a couple huge pork butts. See?

this is the just-dawn light. katie and trey got up MUCH earlier than they'd have liked, but it's worth it (easy for me to say!)

two pork butts so big it takes the both of them to turn them.

that's just shy of 20 pounds of pork butt. How many more times can I say pork butt? PORK BUTT. I am so mature.

How did I get so lucky!! My husband cooks fantastic meals for me every night, we eat fantastic meals on fantastic vacations, and now my daughter and her husband make fantastic meals for me. Granted, I put in my time on their end of the spatula — many, many long hard years of getting dinner on the table every night after a long day of classes and work — but this feels like a big bonus.

Katie’s frying some okra to accompany the pulled pork sandwiches we’ll have, and there’ll certainly be leftover Halloween candy — if not, we’ll have her pumpkin cookies for dessert. And I think there’s a gallon of Blue Bell chocolate mint chip ice cream in the freezer. Have I said it’s kind of about the food already?

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when you’re on the upswing

On Friday, October 28, 2011, 11:42 am, in daughter, gratitude, it's the little things too, just life, my people, travel, by Lori

put the lime in the coconut and you feel better / put the lime in the coconut drink ‘em both up / put the lime in the coconut and call me in the morning (listening to this with Katie right now!)

So life goes up, and things seem mostly good or even great, and life goes down, and things seem to be falling apart — nothing new there. I happen to be in an upswing right now, and it’s occurring to me how subtle the details can be, but how important they are to the overall temperature. Right now, the big things that contribute to my feeling that things are right in the world are travel-related. My vacation to Vietnam definitely helped, and now my time in Texas is a big contributor (of which more in a minute). But I woke up to two small-ish communications this morning that were much more boosting than their word count might’ve suggested.

I’m in a book group and a poetry group, and I just love them both for different reasons. My book group is filled with such interesting, wonderful women — the book is often secondary, and while I regret that a lot, the women are just so wonderful I don’t usually mind not talking about the book. I do mind, but gee they’re so great and I only get to see them once a month and I inevitably come away from the night’s meeting feeling kind of high and happy. My poetry group is also filled with interesting, wonderful women (and one similar man), but we stay tightly focused on discussing poetry, which thrills me. Really, how often in your life do you get to sit and talk about something like that — whatever it is that you particularly love? We actually talk about the poems we bring or write, we deconstruct them, plumb their meaning, see them differently. The poetry group members are very very smart (as are the book group members) so it’s high-wire fun. I brought the woman who organized the poetry group into the book club and last night was her first meeting — unfortunately, I didn’t get to be there, since I am here in Austin, but she wrote me and her note was one of the boosting things for me this morning. Her appreciation of the women in the book group, and her thanks for bringing her in, made me feel so great. My life is so rich with all these wonderful people, women (and one man) whose lives and intellect I get to share so easily.

The other communication that gave me such a boost was a comment left on a previous post. The commenter’s blog-related point spoke to her pleasure in reading my writing, which she characterized as genuine. Well! For anyone who writes, is there a better thing to hear? I love to write and have writing-related dreams that I constantly pull off the shelf, gaze at, and then put back on the shelf. The idea that someone takes pleasure in my words is so thrilling, it’s like an energy boost that shoots my little rocket into the higher levels of space. Her comment reminds me too that we are all kinds of things, big and small, to others and we’re not even aware of it. I mean something to my friends that I’m not all that aware of — you do, too. And you mean more to me than you know, you who read and also you who read and comment.

Now, to Texas. Yee-ha! As always, when I got off the plane at the Austin airport, everything in me settled down and relaxed as I walked through the terminal. The people look SO familiar. I did’t know any of them, but I might have! There is a Texas look, familiar at least to Texans. In New York, the general look (big old over-generalization coming) is Italian or Jewish. I’m neither. But I do look like the people here, and it’s more than bone structure in the face. And then they sound like me, too, double great! Not many have accents as thick as mine, but Texas shows up in certain words pretty reliably. Also, if you’ve never flown into Austin, you should know this so you can quickly plan a trip: LIVE MUSIC in the airport. There’s a stage set up and the band that was playing when I arrived was pretty great! Also, the food in the airport is not the normal airport fare. No Chili’s or Cinnabon or that pretzel place. Instead, it’s local restaurants, really good Mexican food, barbecue, Schlotzsky’s (a local sandwich place with uniquely great bread), a local ice cream joint. You step off the plane directly into Austin sounds and Austin smells.

The flight from Chicago to Austin was kind of neat. You know there’s that very friendly, midwest, Chicago way of being — people just seem not to be guarded, and to smile easily? Well, combine that with Texas and you have friendly squared (y’all do know that Texans are very friendly, right? DO NOT go by our politicians, please, who are assholes). There was so much laughter in the airplane, loud friendly joking by the flight attendants, it helped my weary bones, I’ve got to tell you. And then when we started our descent into the Austin area, it was shocking to see how dry and brown everything was. Nothing green to be seen anywhere, so sad and tragic. So much heat and fire, so little rain, so much loss.

The best thing of all, of course, was my daughter and her husband waiting for me. I ran to them and just felt such overwhelming joy. It sucks not seeing your kid very often. You spend all those years knowing nearly everything about them (though boy can you be surprised to learn the things you *didn’t* know!), being able to look at their faces every day and have a sense of how they’re doing, being able to care for them when they’re sick or tired or blue, playing games with them, laughing or fighting with them…..and then suddenly you see them a time or two a year. I can’t stop staring at Katie, and I don’t want to do anything more than be near her, look at her, listen to her, live in the midst of the life she lives while I’m here. Katie and Trey took me directly to Chuy’s for some delicious TexMex (which you cannot get in New York. No TexMex, delicious or otherwise), and then we came home, to their beautiful and comfortable home filled with Katie’s cozy touches. I’m a happy mama right now. Life is good.

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thoughts on a missed connection

On Thursday, October 27, 2011, 9:58 am, in art, just life, travel, by Lori

here I sit in the Chicago airport. what do i do, but put down some words and pick up my knitting needles!

I woke up at 3:15 this morning, though I didn’t need to wake up until the luxurious-er hour of 4am, but since I was awake, I got up and had a cup of tea, packed my electronics, and left my apartment. It was raining, which really sucked, because it meant I needed to bring my umbrella….which I certainly wouldn’t need in Texas, for heaven’s sake. I schlepped out in the dark rainy night and headed to Broadway to get a cab. I’ve done that a lot — cabs on Broadway are common enough, and I’ve been out around that time of morning and had no problems finding a cab.

I must’ve been out just earlier enough to make a difference, because I stood in the dark rain for 8 or 9 minutes, watching the completely empty street. Once a cop drove past, but that was the only vehicle of any kind. Finally, a cab pulled up and I guess the driver didn’t feel like getting out in the rain to help me so I struggled to get my heavy suitcase in the trunk while holding an umbrella and balancing my purse and backpack on my shoulder. It’s hard to lift a heavy suitcase with one hand and do the necessary turn and flip to get it into the trunk of a cab, let me tell you. The lip of the open cab trunk is higher than most cars, so it requires a very high lift before you turn and flip.

Anyway. I got to the airport and got on my plane, took my seat, and started knitting. Sweet. The pilot told us the flight was going to take longer than planned because we were flying into a very strong headwind. This gave me pause, because I had a close connection in Chicago, but plenty of time to make it. Not more, but more than enough. So I thought ‘well, either I’ll make it or I won’t, and freaking out won’t make any difference, won’t make the plane go faster, won’t make me arrive earlier or later.‘ Nice. I can’t always pull this off, but I’ve become increasingly able to do it over the last couple of years.

The view out the window was particularly beautiful; for a long time, it was very dark and the light was that eerie scene of an airplane’s lights bouncing off clouds in the dark. But as the sun rose, the clouds became this gorgeous powder blue, and everything out my window was one or another shade of that color. The sky was slightly darker light blue, and the blanket of clouds below was lighter light blue, but the whole view was that beautiful, tranquil color. I enjoyed it so much.

So we arrived at the airport, the pilot drove the plane in from another town, it seemed, and we finally taxied to the gate where the gate folks fumbled to get the jetway connected. I knew. I really did. I knew. When the doors finally opened, I had 12 minutes until my connecting flight was scheduled to leave. AND! As these things happen, I arrived at the far end of Gate C in Terminal 1 and my connecting flight left from the other far end of Gate F in Terminal 2. I ran. Like Forrest Gump, I ran. I ran and ran, ran and ran, ran and ran. I got to the gate and learned they had just closed the doors. Like, just. If I’d gotten there 30 seconds earlier, I could’ve gotten on my flight.

the tarmac at O'Hare -- my view for a few hours

But luckily I’m me, and have my Kindle and my knitting and my laptop so I can deal with the 5-hour wait. The worst part is just these lost hours with Katie. Boo.

A little change of pace, something I’m dying to tell you! Last night the coolest thing happened, though it was really just a tiny thing. I was standing in the subway, and I noticed a small man walking toward me — I thought he looked like an imp, a little elf or something. He had red-gray hair and he wore these funny wool pants that came to mid-shin, and he wore odd little leather boots. His clothes were strange, and something about him was just so unusual. I looked a little closer, and it was Philippe Petit! The man who walked on the tightwire between the two World Trade Center towers in 1974. It was actually him.

I felt such awe, and could not take my eyes off him. Such an audacious person, such a truly alive, audacious thing he did. Watch Man on Wire, if you haven’t already seen it (it was available streaming on Netflix the last time I checked — I’ve watched it 4 or 5 times).  I just learned that he’s Artist in Residence at St John the Divine….which is in my neighborhood, which explains why he was getting in the subway at my stop. Which means I may run into him again.

bold and alive

I so wanted to speak to him. I so wanted to thank him for taking that walk, but I felt shy and didn’t want to intrude. When we were both in the train, at opposite ends of the crowded car, I caught his eye and smiled at him and he looked away. I did it a second time and he looked away, but after that he kept looking at me.  I wish I’d had the courage to thank him, but the thing is I can’t even say why it means so much to me and touches me so much that he did that.

[read more:  a piece on him in the NYTimes, and a brief PBS biography]

what I’ll be doing tomorrow

On Wednesday, October 26, 2011, 5:55 am, in daughter, my people, silly, video, by Lori

In the early 1800s, people would find the initials G.T.T. carved on the doors of family’s and friends’ houses — Gone To Texas. Texas was the place to go, a sanctuary for outlaws, a place to start all over again, a place to begin for the first time. For me, it’s just home.

The boogie-ing part, not the sleeping at the wheel part. (Though, side note: Once I was driving up IH-35, from Austin to Dallas, and stopped to get gas. There was a giant tour bus there, the kind that bands use. Austin being the official Live Music Capital of the World [oh, you bragging Texans you], it’s entirely common to see them so I didn’t give it a thought. As I passed the bus, I saw it was Asleep At The Wheel, and as I glanced in the open door, I saw the bus driver seemed to be asleep at the wheel. It made the inner kindergartner in me giggle.)

ANYWAY. Yeah. My flight leaves NYC at 6am, so do you realize what time I need to get up in the morning? I haven’t done the backwards math yet, but I’m grateful I am still in the jetlag state of reliably waking up at 2am. I can’t wait to spend time with my daughter Katie…..a whole week, so luscious. We’ll bake (and eat, including pinto beans and cornbread, a delicious treat I don’t get in NYC) and knit and talk and watch movies and shop and be homebodies together. We both love that.

Everyone rags on Texas — and I’ll be honest, Texas politicians make that so so easy — but Texas is so much more than its idiotic politicians. Really. (And remember, it was historically a hard-core Democratic state. YES IT WAS! It took a bad turn in the 80s, like much of the south did, but I have hope that someday it’ll return to its Democratic roots.) Anyway, there’s so much that’s great about Texas, and Austin. I loved this article 50 Reasons Texas is the Best State in America. It was compiled in response to a piece written by Manhattan-based Gawker listing states by their worst-ness (Texas came in at 13), and the Gawker writer says:

The Texan ego is as big as the state, and no matter how much you point out to them that, uh, hey what about all this extremely terrible stuff, they will not listen. If you guys would just shut up about it for a while, the rest of us might like you a little more.

The funny thing is — and I say this all the time to New Yorkers — you could say that very thing about New Yorkers, who think the sun rises and sets on Manhattan, and that just outside the Manhattan borders, ignorance, evil, and chaos reign. Hrmph.

Anyway. Boogie back to Texas! Whee! GTT!  Whee!

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for my daughters

On Friday, August 19, 2011, 12:38 pm, in daughter, my people, by Lori

love is all you need. really, that’s true.

The most wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, eloquent women in the world.

How did I get so lucky.

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a quick FO, documented for my records

On Friday, April 1, 2011, 10:17 am, in daughter, FO2011, knitting, love it, socks, by Lori

angie, you’re beautiful, but ain’t it time we said goodbye?

I finished Katie’s socks — the pattern is Angee, by Cookie A, and the yarn is the ultrasoft and super washable KnitPicks Felici (colorway: green vegetables, in the most obviously-named color ever). Katie picked the pattern when she was here, and it was fun, like all Cookie A socks.

angee, in knitpicks felici

I did round 1 swatching for my Mothed sweater and didn’t like the fabric; I need to swatch again, going down a needle size. It was just too thin and kind of gauzy, and not what I’m going for, really. I persist, like a real grown-up knitter!

Other parts of the NE got snow, and we were supposed to but mercifully we didn’t. It is gray and drizzly, though, so it’s that kind of April Fool’s Day. I hope you aren’t fooled today (unless you want to be)!

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weekend’s best, 2.7.11

On Monday, February 7, 2011, 8:21 am, in big picture stuff, bloggie stuff, daughter, joy, son, weekend, by Lori

will i wait a lonely lifetime, if you want me to, i will.

will and katie, 6 years ago

Strictly speaking, of course, that photo is not from this past weekend, but it summarizes my weekend in the best way possible. Katie is my oldest daughter (she lives in Austin), and Will is my only son (he lives here in Manhattan). The story is long and terrible and makes me prone to hours of tears, but Will has been hiding himself away from our family for the past 5 years. He hasn’t spoken to any of us since he appeared at Katie’s wedding, 2.5 years ago. Estrangements are always complicated and this one certainly is, but I promise that you can’t imagine the pain of it, unless your child does such a thing. The only thing worse is death.

Katie came to town Saturday in order to find Will and do a kind of intervention; she had letters to read that we’d all written, and she made a big photo album. She was not going to let him keep doing this without being forced to hear just how much it hurt us. I thought it was a mission doomed to fail…..find him? Here in NYC? Even that seemed impossible.

But find him, she did (she’s a force of nature, that one). And talk to him, she did. And listen, he did. And last night I got to see him, and sit next to him, and touch his face. We cried and laughed and cried, and it was awful and terrible and wonderful. Katie’s here until Wednesday, and they’re spending much of tomorrow together. Will and I will make a date to see each other again. It’s too much to hope without caution; we’ve all been so hurt, we’re all taking care of our hearts, but I’m the mother so I’m in all the way, no matter what happens. O happy happy day….

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sweaters and arms

On Saturday, February 5, 2011, 2:40 pm, in daughter, frogging, knitting, movies, my people, NY stories, recommendations, sweaters, by Lori

how far could you go, if you really really REALLY had to?

I was going to include “cutting off your arm” in the post title but thought better of it. Last night I watched the movie 127 Hours, with James Franco. He’s been nominated for an Academy Award for his performance. I always think I don’t like him, but every time I watch him I really really do like him; maybe one of these days my automatic opinion will match my learned opinion. Anyway, it’s the movie that’s about that real-life guy who was climbing all by himself and his arm got crushed by a giant rock, and he eventually had to cut off his own arm to save himself and get out of there. GRIM, right? I had little to no interest in seeing it — (a) I had my automatic opinion about James Franco, and (b) I thought who wants to watch a guy cutting his own arm off, not me sister.

It was amazing. It was just amazing. I couldn’t speak when it was over, for quite a while. It’s a visually stunning movie, with wonderful editing and sound editing, but the thing is that it is really about what it’s really about. I mean, it’s not about a guy cutting his arm off (though he does). It’s really about facing yourself, facing life, facing it all, in a very real and rare existential moment. I get extremely irritated by people’s whining about “but what does it mean, it has no meaning, blah blah blah” the luxury problems of spoiled wealthy people. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t true existential moments, moments of facing the abyss of what it really all means, and what it means to be here, and that in some fundamental way it’s just you and that moment, alone. And that’s what the movie is brilliantly about, and it’s brilliant. James Franco is brilliant. The soundtrack is brilliant. Everything, I completely loved it. It’ll take a while before I can watch it again, and I hope it stands up to a second viewing. You’ll want to have your knitting with you so you can look away and concentrate on something else during some of the more difficult scenes, but you shouldn’t let them make you miss seeing the movie.

So what’s the sweater part of the post title? Two unpleasant things:

  1. I’m frogging my Eve’s Rib Shrug. It’s just been such a pain in my ass the whole time, and it’s not going to look the way I thought it would in the wholly misrepresentative photos (i.e., it won’t be as long as it seemed and the actual shape isn’t flattering to my (*cough cough stomach*) figure. I love the yarn too much to let it languish. So yay to making a decision but damn to all that time wasted. I’ve learned that Carol Sunday’s way of writing patterns simply doesn’t work for me, and it’s not worth it. It’s a shame, because her designs are often truly gorgeous.
  2. I’ve also decided with regret that I’m just not young enough to pull off the Laar sweater. There’s the ample bosom situation, but more importantly there’s the fact that I’m just too “mature” for the style. And I’m tired (see above) of putting in so much time and ending up with something I don’t like. So now I’m considering my sweater queue and yarn I already have in my stash, and as I promised myself, I’m taking my time with the decision. No more leaping without looking. My regret isn’t that I’m too old for that particular style, it’s just that it really is a beautiful little sweater and I have such lovely yarn for it. But one thing ravelry teaches us is that there’s always another sweater.

My precious oldest daughter Katie arrives in NYC this evening, and she’ll be staying with me until Wednesday. She’s on a family mission of import and urgency and probable sorrow, but it’ll be so good to have her here. I don’t get to see her….or any of my precious kids….nearly often enough. Intermingled with the moments of difficulty that bring her here will be lots of love and laughter, plenty of knitting and stash-pawing, some movie watching and card playing, probably, and lots of good food.

OH! Also, just to feed any schadenfreude out there about the high life in NYC: this morning I woke up and went to the bathroom only to find brown water dripping [again] from the ceiling, running down the pipes, dripping down the wall, splashing in the windowsill, bulging the ceiling. The guy who lives upstairs has bad plumbing and we always have to pay the very icky price. So happy waking up, Lori! Just in time for company, too. NYC, you’re such a charmer.

housekeeping + habitats

On Thursday, January 20, 2011, 12:05 pm, in bloggie stuff, daughter, my people, by Lori

look at what Katie did! (said her exceedingly proud mother…)

I think my hosting service is having a bit of trouble; if you’ve noticed that my blog is taking forever to load (as I have), I do suspect it’s host/server issues rather than something on my end. I don’t usually have a problem, but it does seem to be kind of wonky right now, so my apologies if it’s happening to you!

I have too much work to do to knit or tend to blogs (either as a reader or a writer), but I wanted to show you something. When I was lucky enough to visit my daughter Katie in Austin, last October, I taught her how to knit. She took to it immediately — a natural knitter, she is. We bought her some beautiful apple green yarn, and she launched into a great scarf. When I left her, she was a few sections into it, and going strong. Then her little dog grabbed it one afternoon and ate a chunk out of it, which kind of took the wind out of Katie’s sails. She frogged it back to before the chomp, and tried to get going again. Then she decided she might like to have another project underway too, so she picked the Habitat hat, by Jared Flood. Kinda intense for a brand new knitter! Especially since I live too far away to just pop over for a quick here’s-how-to-do-that session. WELL! Look what she did, her very first-ever FO:

Katie's husband Trey, wearing his new hat

I’m completely blown away! Here’s her project page on rav, if you want to see more pictures. This time I am bragging. :) Mama’s rights.

Back to trying to teach stats to people who don’t like stats. And editing manuscripts by people whose imaginations exceed their writing grasp. It’s one of those days, friends. :)

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co-opting Christmas, or: a glimpse into the future

On Monday, December 27, 2010, 4:16 pm, in daughter, just life, my people, by Lori

Katie and Trey, Marnie and Tom, just a few of my beloved kids.

Even though I didn’t get to be with them this year, my daughters and their husbands spent the holiday together in Austin, at Katie’s beautiful home. They got to see their dad and step-mom, and their stepgrandparents who just moved here from Russia. Ah, the complex family. :)

I won’t go into the details of their Christmas, though I do want to share a couple of pictures with you. Looking at them made me feel like they’re going to be ok. Even when I’m not around, some day in the far far distant future, they’re going to be ok, they’ll be each other’s family, and the beat goes on. (yeah the beat goes on. that’s playing on my ipod. i love cher.)

They carried on our family’s traditions for each other. I can’t tell you how that makes me feel. So here are my daughters and their husbands, wonderful people one and all. I have more pictures of Marnie than Katie — I wish I had more (hint hint Katie).

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rally ’round, gals

On Tuesday, November 2, 2010, 7:04 pm, in daughter, my people, by Lori

well cut off my legs and call me shorty. whoo-wee.

Not to be all braggy-mama or anything, but here’s the photo Katie sent me this morning of her scarf in progress:

scarf

katie's scarf, in progress

Wouldja friend her on Ravelry? She’s klowery678. That way she can see all the beautiful things you’re making and fave-ing and queue-ing.

And this ends my braggy-mama posting. I promise. For now.

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post-joy blues post

On Tuesday, November 2, 2010, 9:54 am, in daughter, friends, my people, scarf, by Lori

such a great time. :(

Absence is a mighty loud presence, and right now Katie’s absence from my morning is screaming at me. I had such a wonderful time with her, every single minute was just a joy. You know, you start life with your kids knowing every tiny little detail about them – how they smell, what their poop is like today, the fact that coconut makes them gag, the way they talk in their sleep, and slowly slowly they move away from you. As it should be, of course. And then one day they don’t live with you and you get the high-level updates, what they’re studying in college, what they’re up to (filtered, of course). And then one day they have a grown-up life somewhere else and you don’t know the texture of their lives, and you “visit” each other. That’s hard going.

And of course it’s the whole point. From the moment they are born, they’re leaving. But that doesn’t mean it’s painless, even though there are those times all through their growing-up years when the idea that one day you’ll have your life back helps keep you going. Life is funny like that, giving and taking with the same hand.

There’s no way to catch up, so I’ll just post some photos that remind me of my wonderful visit:

cooking

katie making chili for dinner

behind katie's house

behind katie's house

katie's backyard tree

she has this beautiful big tree in her back yard

katie and her dogs

katie loves her dogs!

oscar

dear, regal oscar

My trip home was long but uneventful – when I finally made it through my front door, I was tired and sad the trip was over, and happy to be back home…..and excited to see this:

birthday presents

wollmeise AND nancy drew! delightful!!

My friend Tammy sent me a birthday package – surprising and so sweet! When we had our little yarn crawl trip earlier this year, I mentioned my curiosity about Wollmeise (first, how to pronounce the name) and lo and behold, Tammy sent me a skein. I don’t know the name of the color, but it’s very dark navy and green and blue-black with shades of rust and dark gold here and there. I think it may have a shawl destiny – Haruni, maybe. Don’t know yet. And you know how some people just have a gift-giving gift? That little book is Nancy Drew’s Guide to Life, which tickles me to death. Tammy, you are so awesome. Here are some handy pointers from the book:

From the chapter “Dating: A Primer” – A young lady with some judo skills can take care of unwanted advances in short order. ~The Whispering Statue

From the chapter “The Delicate Art of Etiquette” – Any woman who asks to be introduced to your widowed father is bad news. ~The Mystery of Lilac Inn

From the chapter “Sleuthing 101″ – Being able to throw your voice can get your unskilled assistants out of tight jams. ~The Ringmaster’s Secret

From the chapter “On Being a Lady” – Determination and spunk can elicit admiration from many arenas, even from the criminal element. ~The Phantom of Pine Hill

From the chapter “Powers of Observation” – Strange mechanical noises can only mean one thing: a printing press is being used for nefarious purposes. ~The Clue of the Broken Locket

And finally, I got a lot done on the tweed lace ribbon scarf, on my long flights. Just a little more and I’ll be finished with it and can start the scarf for my other writing group friend:

tweed ribbon scarf

getting there

Lots to do this week, and then my 52nd birthday on Saturday. And I leave for Phnom Penh in 16 days! This is a wonderful time of year. Even if I do miss my Katie….and Marnie….and Trey and Tom….and Will. :(

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duck to water, y’all. duck to water.

On Sunday, October 31, 2010, 11:35 am, in daughter, knitting, my people, by Lori

katie’s a knitter! she really, really is.

Maybe it’s because I think knitting is hard to learn; I learned to crochet when I was 5 and it was so very simple, but knitting was awkward and scary. Took me a long time to learn how to relax with it. Or maybe it’s because I’m a really crappy teacher-of-knitting, who knows. Whichever, I haven’t had a lot of success teaching people to knit – although Marnie picked it up very easily, as she does with all creative endeavors.

So I was a little anxious about teaching Katie to knit, since I’m not historically very good at it, or something. But y’all? She picked it up from the get-go. I should’ve had more confidence in the fact that (a) she’s very creative, (b) she’s my kid, and (c) her paternal grandmother was a great knitter, and Katie’s a lot like her Mama G.

katie knits

doesn't she look like an old pro????

katies knitting

the yarn is Bearfoot, by Mountain Colors, apple green (Katie's color!)

garter and stockinette - her first-ever knitting!

garter and stockinette - her first-ever knitting!

I’m just blown away by her speed of picking it up. We got the yarn at Hill Country Weavers – Bearfoot, by Mountain Colors. It’s her learning swatch, so she’s getting her knitting and purling down, and I’m about to teach her how to kfb and bind off, and then she’ll start her first project, the Gathered Scarf. I’m just amazed at her; I came out of the shower this morning and looked down into the living room and saw her sitting in a chair with her feet up, just knitting away like an old pro.

I’ll have a huge wrap-up post when I get home, full of pictures and stuff. For now though, I’ll close with a picture of one of my dear ravelry friends, Kelly. We met for coffee yesterday morning and it was just wonderful. Only the first meeting of many to come, that’s my plan:

kellylori

me and Kelly - look at her fantastic cardigan!!! she wore it because she knew how much i love it. hi kelly!

We’re making bread and chili today, and hanging out and knitting. Tonight, handing out candy to little tricksters, and tomorrow morning, I fly home. It sure went by too fast.

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knitting plus leaving (on a jet plane…)

On Thursday, October 28, 2010, 6:50 am, in daughter, knitting, my people, by Lori

knitting. ravelry. katie. travel. joy.

My morning ritual (like yours, probably) involves drinking my 2 cups of coffee while catching up on email and other web stuff. Of course this includes Ravelry. I scan through my friends activity page and investigate projects that look interesting. Nothing newsy there. But as I was doing that this morning, it hit me that one of the really great things about knitting is that it always meets you where you are. Just learning? Plain old scarves are in your realm of possible while also being just a little bit of a challenge. Getting better? Lace, shawls. Getting better still? Garments. Getting better still? Yeah, there are still more techniques, more complicated patterns, more horizons. That’s one of the many things I love about our shared passion.

The whole purpose of my trip to Austin is to soak up as much of my daughter’s time and attention as possible – plus, I’m going to meet Kelly in person, very cool. My Katie girl and I will chat, play games, run some errands, give candy to trick-or-treaters, bake a LOT, and just hang out together, and I know the time will be too short. Still, I’ll need to have knitting with me so while I’m packing this morning I’m considering which project(s) to bring. Definitely the lace ribbon scarf; I hope to finish that, for sure. The flights from NY to Austin are long and I have a connection both ways – in Charlotte NC going down, and in Houston coming back. Lots of good airplane/airport knitting time, yay!

At the end of today’s journey will be my daughter’s smiling face, and [finally] good Mexican food. See y’all later -

and p.s. I woke up with Neil Diamond in my head singing “Love on the Rocks.” No, my marriage is NOT on the rocks. I can’t get the song out of my head now. This may be a long day. :)

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hazards

On Thursday, October 21, 2010, 4:22 pm, in daughter, health, knitting, my people, silly, by Lori

what do beans and the flu have in common? if i told you in this excerpt, what fun would that be?

First: beans. Don’t eat an entire small can of refried beans all by yourself and expect there to be no consequences. I’m just sayin.

Second: I’ve had the flu, but on the happy side, it was just one 24-hour period of hellish agony. You know the kind: that terrible, terrible headache that makes you want to cut off your head, the bone-crunched aching that makes you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck. The kind where you’d have to feel better to die. But it only lasted 24 hours, so I feel pretty lucky, since the flu that’s been sweeping New York is of the 5-day variety.

Third: buying buttons online. Ordering buttons online is a risky venture. Will they look the same in hand as they do on my monitor? Even if they do, will they go with my garment? If you’re insecure about your taste in these things, as I am, it provokes a little bit of anxiety. (Until you lecture yourself sternly: you’re kidding me! It’s buttons! They’re inexpensive! Get over it! At worst, you add to your button collection! GEEZ you are a real pain sometimes.)

I got the buttons I ordered in the mail today (and let me once again recommend Sawyer Brook (http://distinctivebuttons.com/):

clay

clay buttons (not made of clay - made of coconut shell. the color name is clay.)

taupe

taupe buttons

With the clay-colored buttons, the redder one is the right side of the button, and darker one is the wrong side. The taupe buttons don’t have a right and wrong side. In this photo, the right side of the clay-colored button looks like a pretty good match, but in person it’s just not quite right. The taupe buttons definitely aren’t right, unless I want that kind of look. We’ll see – I haven’t even cast on for the sweater yet! And anyway, even if neither button works in the end, I have a nice start for a new and improved button collection.

In one week I’ll be in Austin, visiting my oldest daughter Katie. After today I’ll be at the hour countdown (this is the last day for the day countdown…7 days). I get to see her for just a few days, but we’re going to soak it up. (top secret: I may try to teach her to knit…shhhhh….)

graduation

she graduates from UT Austin - and I am so proud

katie and will

Katie and Will in NYC for a winter visit, both wearing handknit hats. Marnie knitted the one Will's wearing (and his scarf, too), and I knitted the hat Katie's wearing. I loved that hat!

katie september 2010

the most recent photo I have of her, taken this past September. It makes me smile to see her face so close.

she turned 10

birthday kids always got the red plate. Here she is at age 10. awww....

So, to recap: Watch out for beans. If you have to have the flu, get the 24-hour kind if possible. Buying buttons online may just add to your button collection, but who cares!

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shhhh….

On Saturday, September 18, 2010, 10:24 am, in daughter, knitting, love it, music, my people, sweaters, by Lori

I’m finishing the Mondo Cable Cardigan. When I left it, the body was finished and I was 3/4 finished with one sleeve. Since yesterday, I finished that sleeve and started and finished the other. (I know!!) The collar will take me a bit of time, but it’s only 128 rows of 26 stitches, so I should finish it today, easily. Then I’ll soak and block it and run out for buttons and giant snaps.

Continue Reading–1 words totally

I’m finishing the Mondo Cable Cardigan. When I left it, the body was finished and I was 3/4 finished with one sleeve. Since yesterday, I finished that sleeve and started and finished the other. (I know!!) The collar will take me a bit of time, but it’s only 128 rows of 26 stitches, so I should finish it today, easily. Then I’ll soak and block it and run out for buttons and giant snaps.

I get it, you sweater knitters who churn them out. When you finish, you have a substantial piece of clothing. Not a little scarf, not a wee hat, not toasty socks. A substantial piece of clothing. That you made, all those thousands of little stitches. I get it.

“My Love” by Paul McCartney is playing in my ear right now, which always makes me think of my daughter Katie, who loves that song so much. Hi honey.

I’ve got the menopausal lady sleep pattern, which means not-sleeping pattern. I fall asleep easily and then start skipping stones around 2, usually. Awake…… maybe a bit of sleepAwake…..maybe a bit of slAwake…..maybe a bit ofAwake. Finally I just get up. What the hell.

Random and scattered thoughts. Thursday around 5:15 I was sitting in a friend’s office and said, “Look! If we were in Texas I’d say there’s gonna be a tornado, it’s that tornado bottle green sky.” We both laughed (haha, tornadoes in Manhattan haha), and I hoped to get home without getting caught in torrential rains. Turns out? Two tornadoes hit the area. Someone died. Lots of trees died too. Always trust a Texan when she tells you it’s a tornado sky.

All summer, the elevator in our building has been out of service because the coop board decided to update it. All summer, it was supposed to be worked on. Here, at the last hour, the elevator team has decided they’d better get on it, and since the deadline is just passed (of course), they’d better work all hours of the day and night, 7 days a week. There’s a big table saw set up by the mailboxes; the hallway is all tile and marble, hard surfaces, and our door is just feet away. So the whine of the saw, the loud voices of repair men shouting up and down the elevator shaft, not much fun.

Off to make a pot of mint tea. One thing I figured out yesterday is to really use knitting as a true meditation. I do a breathing meditation — breathe in deeply to the count of 4, hold it for 2, breathe out slowly to the count of 6. I sync that count with knitting and man oh man does it work. Try it the next time you’re stressed and frazzled. Think it’s that time for me, too.

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for my beautiful daughter Katie

On Saturday, September 11, 2010, 5:38 pm, in daughter, poetry, by Lori

mary oliver makes everything better. she ALWAYS does.

Wild Geese
By Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting—
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

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it was 20 (8) years ago today….

On Friday, July 23, 2010, 3:45 pm, in big picture stuff, daughter, joy, my people, by Lori

happy birthday katie-kate!

OK, see, I was 23 years old, living in Austin Texas. My dad had died four months before, but I was just so so thrilled to be finally in labor, and about to see my firstborn child. Labor was long, as 1st labors often are, and she was nearly born tomorrow — 11:47pm she finally came out, screaming her lungs out. A head full of dark hair, and roly-poly rolls around her little fat neck. So cute, it makes my teeth grind just remembering how much I wanted to eat her up.

In most of the photos from her first months, you never see my face or head, because it was always leaning down into her crib. I never let the poor little thing alone; I held her all the time, nursed her all the time, never let her out of my attention. (Note: I really learned my lesson, and when baby #2 came along, she learned how to cry a little bit and wait for half a minute!)

All my thoughts today are with my daughter Katie, in Austin. The person who made me a mother, and saved/created my life in doing so. Happy birthday, Katie-Kate. (And Katie, look at the music widget below the photos. :) )

LOTS of photos after the jump: CLICK to continue reading it was 20 (8) years ago today…....

Continue reading »

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another wedding, another time

On Thursday, July 22, 2010, 12:16 pm, in big picture stuff, daughter, my people, son, by Lori

dancing in the dark.

My sweet older daughter Katie got married in June 2008 (easiest anniversary ever to remember: 06/07/08). Hers was a much more traditional wedding than Marnie’s, complete with puffy white dress, groomsmen in tuxedos, rosebud corsages, and all that happy jazz. She hired a professional photographer, who caught this very enigmatic shot that I rediscovered yesterday while wandering through her online photo album:

me dancing with my son

Several things to note, before turning attention to the odd glance:

1- That’s my daughter Katie, dancing with her husband Trey, in the right side of the photo

2 – That’s Marnie visible in the back, in the green maid-of-honor dress

3 – Yes, that’s right, I’m wearing the same dress at Katie’s wedding as I wore at Marnie’s. First, both girls crazily decided to have OUTDOOR weddings in the HOT SUMMER, so something extremely cool was called for. And second, I bought it specifically to wear to Katie’s wedding, and when Marnie’s came up I decided to call it my “dress I wear to my daughters’ weddings.” I’ll have to keep it safely aside to wear in the future when my youngest girl gets married, which will probably be several years, since she’s a sophomore in college.

It’s a very long story with my beloved son – lots of very long stories with him, to be more accurate – so I know everything that lives behind that glance, behind my close hold on him. I store the photo here so I don’t forget about it again.

.

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meaning and singing

On Saturday, July 10, 2010, 4:59 pm, in big picture stuff, by Lori

o how i love annie lennox. i really do.

I had a long conversation with Katie, my older daughter, this morning, which was essentially a conversation about what gives a life meaning and value. Like me, her desire is for close-to-home things – meaningful work, a family, being a mom. Like her, I am often intimidated by people whose lives are more dramatic, or whose work is more “exciting,” or whose lives are more something than ours.

songs of mass destructionAnd then, while I was uploading my new sock photo to ravelry, my iTunes randomly played a song from Annie Lennox‘s album Songs of Mass Destruction. (If you click the album cover to the left, it’ll take you to the Amazon page where you can buy the music; I very highly recommend it!) I became fixated on the first song released from the album, Dark Road. Sony took down the video, so I can’t show it here. Bastards. It’s a beautiful video, and the song is heartbreakingly beautiful, as many of her songs are.

55? isn't she gorgeous?!

I’ve been in fan love with Annie since I first heard Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) back in 1983, I think. As a matter of fact, that song always makes me think of Katie; she was a tiny toddler at the time and she was crazy for the song. It could be playing at the other end of the house and she’d squeal, come running, and then stand there, bopping and grinning to the beat. Adorable. Annie’s music has been the soundtrack for much of my adult life; the Diva and Medusa albums truly are the soundtrack to the end of my first marriage, and my devastating divorce. The Peace album is the soundtrack of a year of my life in graduate school, when everything — everything — came together and I was absolutely happy in myself. The Bare album is the soundtrack to one of the biggest changes of my adult life.

So anyway, I’m sitting at my desk, doing my little small life thing, documenting a little sock I knit, for heaven’s sake, and the next song from the album came on – Sing. Sing my sister sing, let your voice be heard, what won’t kill you will make you strong, sing my sister sing. It could be trite, but it isn’t. Annie sings it with urgency – sing, my sisters. Sing. The song is the focus of her Sing campaign to prevent HIV transmission from mother to child.

So there she is (just a couple of years older than me, by the way) making beautiful music and trying desperately to help save lives in Africa, and to help women, and here I am taking too many pictures of a sock.

Of course in light of this morning’s conversation with Katie it struck me. I could say the cliched thing, something trite about “all lives have meaning” blah blah blah (note, it’s not trite because it’s not true! it is true that all lives have meaning. But it’s trite because it’s a too-simple answer to a deeper concern). I don’t know how to resolve it. I feel it, I understand it.

Maybe it’s something like understanding that age 51 I’m probably not going to be an astronaut and should cross that one off my list. :)

Anyway – here’s Sing, if you haven’t heard it:

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just about a year ago

On Friday, July 2, 2010, 7:43 am, in daughter, my people, travel, by Lori

wow, has it been a year since i went to ireland with katie?

ireland

even death is beautiful in Ireland

Just around this time last year, my darling daughter Katie (who was born Katherine Kennedy Galloway, such a pretty green-eyed Irish girl) and I went to Ireland together. It was her first trip out of the country, and she’d always wanted to see Ireland so I felt incredibly lucky to have the chance to take her. I was attending an academic conference in Dublin, so we went several days early, and stayed in a gorgeously wonderful little B&B in Lough Gur, under the eagle-eye care of a marvelous woman named Bridget. After traveling around for those pre-conference days, Katie explored Dublin while I conferenced at Trinity University.

Ireland is even more beautiful than people say it is. I think it must be one of the most beautiful places on earth. Thanks to Pip for her comment in the previous post, mentioning Galway. It caused me to look back at my flickr set:

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jiggedy jig

On Sunday, March 21, 2010, 12:11 pm, in big picture stuff, experience, FO2010, joy, knitting, socks, travel, by Lori

back from vacation and planning the next!

……and, we’re back. Roatan was just wonderful – even better than last year, in many ways. We weren’t able to be online with any ease, so I just put up one giant post on the Roatan blog, with a flickr slideshow. It was great to be there, and kind of awful to be facing work tomorrow. I only have 235 emails, so it could definitely be worse, but I can’t bear to look at them today. Tomorrow will be soon enough.

I did a lot of knitting on vacation, partly because I had a dreadful cold the first couple of days, and there was an amazing storm for a couple of days. I finished the holey socks, and am ~75% finished with the other pair:

side view of the holey socks

holey socks, accompli!

  • Pattern:  Holes in my socks! By Nicole Okun
  • Yarn:  Lorna’s Laces Shepherd Sock Multi (Colorway: Beverly 209) – 2 skeins were more than enough

side view of the monkeys

looking down on the monkeys

  • Pattern:  Monkey, by Cookie A
  • Yarn:  Knit One Crochet Too Ty-Dy Socks (Colorway Meadow 1518)

I’m going to try to knock out the rest of sock #2 and get them both out in the mail to Katie asap, then I need to return all my knitting time to the wedding shawl.

While we were gone, spring seems to have arrived in full force here in Manhattan! It’s sunny and gorgeous outdoors, and people seem refreshed. Today is the post-vacation normalizing for us – piles of laundry, straightening up and putting everything away, getting ready for the week.

One thing that makes it better, coming home from vacation, is that we always start planning the next one. Our current idea is to go to Laos, with a trip to Cambodia to see Angkor Wat and maybe a side journey into Thailand, avoiding Bangkok if at all possible. Or to the degree possible, anyway. The child sex trade there is too horrifying to bear, and I don’t want to give a penny to the country that supports it. Every country supports horrors of one kind or another, and there’s little gradation between things at that far end of the spectrum, but that one in particular is unbearable for me. So we’re focusing on Laos, and trying to figure out how best to get there at a reasonable price. We loved Vietnam so much, and especially enjoyed Hanoi, so we may just make a stop there, too. Fun fun fun, anticipating and planning. It makes the coming home a bit easier.

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look, Katie!

On Wednesday, March 10, 2010, 7:40 pm, in knitting, socks, by Lori

socks for Katie, plus a lesson in stress and the immune system.

sock #1

The second sock is nearly at the heel part, so I will finish it when I’m in Honduras next week. I’ll mail them to you when I get home!  It has made me so happy to make them for you, and I look forward to making the next pair, too. I’ll use a different pattern, of course.

As immune systems will do, mine crashes after a prolonged period of stress. It’s been working and working, carrying me through the stress, and when the stress backs off just a little bit, crash. It’s kind of fascinating, if you ask me. My stress is still very intense; I woke up at 4:45am this morning so I could get to work early. But I guess the relief is coming, so crash. So just in time for my beach vacation: a cold, thankyouverymuch. Still, I’d rather be there with a cold than at my desk with a cold. If I have to have one.

Off to have a steaming bowl of tomato soup and an intense regimen of ColdCalm. And early to bed, so I can early to rise again tomorrow.

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catching up – the brief edition

On Saturday, March 6, 2010, 9:52 am, in knitting, socks, by Lori

whinging about stress, plus socks

Yesterday is done for the year, so moving on! Today I’m going in search of a new bathroom light fixture, and I’ll take a trip down to Chinatown for some eating of Thai food – I think that’s the current plan. I’ll take my camera along, so I may have photos later.

My weeks fly by in a blur of stress – my best intentions to post more regularly are just paving the road. A week from today I’ll be flying back to Roatan – I hope you’ll drop in on that blog now and then while I’m gone. I’ll leave a note here when we leave, so the link as at the top.

Sock knitting is about all I’m getting done, a couple of rows on the subway to work, and a couple more on the way home. Still, a row here and a row there, pretty soon you’ve got a sock! Here’s where I am now:

going down the foot toward the toe!

spread flat, with the heel underneath: a bit of green pooling at the top of the foot

I’m kind of brain dead – do you know how that goes? Too much stress at work, consuming all the ATP molecules and all the attention, leaving a drained little husk of a mind. Maybe the weekend will energize me…..possible, since we have SUN!! Hallelujah!

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one girl down, another girl up

On Saturday, February 27, 2010, 4:48 pm, in knitting, socks, by Lori

love, socks, and a snowball

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The wedding shawl knitting is ongoing, of course, but I’ve just cast on a pair of socks for my first daughter, who lives in Texas. She’s a pretty Irish girl, and so I wasn’t that surprised when the two yarns she chose contained different shades of green. This first pair I’m making for her is a combination of blues and greens – jewel tones, more or less, very beautiful:

beverly socks

"Holes in my Socks" in Lorna's Lace Shepherd Sock, Beverly colorway

katie's sock

the colors are spiraling!

I finished the new couch cushions, very squishy and beautiful. They look nice on the brown leather couch, and complement the oriental rug, too. But I was sitting at my sewing table with the window open – I can’t control the heat in our apartment except by opening the windows – and suddenly there was a loud noise and a snowball came through the opening. Scared the living daylights out of me!

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