Tag Archives: body image

looking back and taking stock

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me, june 17, 2011. the smallest pants i own, and they're loose around my waist. SUCH PROBLEMS.

Since I always record what I did the last time and the current time, I can see progress — on Tuesday I did 22 kettlebell swings, today I did 25. On Monday, I held plank for 60 seconds and on Thursday, for 70 seconds. That’s always such a good feeling, even if the increments are so very tiny. But they’re always increments, not decrements. I am getting stronger, more flexible, straighter, bendier, all those wonderful things.

I can plot graphs of my physical changes (and you can bet I have excel spreadsheets with beautiful graphs of the change scores). That feels so good. Fat going down, muscle going up. Tiny changes month to month — half an inch here, quarter of an inch there — but changes in the best directions.

Still, even though I am always aware of the improvement, it wasn’t until I looked back at the very beginning posts on this blog that I really SEE it. My starting goals:

strength: I don’t have specific endpoints in mind per se, but I look forward to being able to hold plank for 30 seconds, side plank for 10 seconds; to doing regular squats with a kettlebell; 30 pushups modified, and eventually unmodified. I look forward to being able to walk around carrying bags without being worn out so easily. I look forward to feeling strong.

flexibility: my back is so spasmic and weak, and I want to be able to bend and stretch and pick up things without it going out; I want my hip joints to be flexible and without pain; I want my hamstrings to be flexible; I want to be able to do yoga again.

And I look back at the first recordkeeping I did:

  • modified squats: 3 sets of 10 (the last set was nearly too much)
  • modified pushups: 3 sets of 10
  • plank: 3 sets, 6 seconds
  • modified side plank: 3 sets, 10 seconds but not up yet
  • hip thrust: 3 sets of 20 (really out of breath in the middle of 2nd set)
  • leg raise: 3 sets of 20 both legs (out of breath and shaky in the 2nd set)

Except for the births of my kids and their accomplishments, and getting my education, nothing else makes me as proud as this. I am amazed and so incredibly grateful.  Aside from the quantitative improvements, so much else has changed — I don’t say/think such hateful things to and about myself any more. I think I look pretty great, and I enjoy getting dressed and don’t skulk around, hoping not to be seen. I believe I have never looked better than I do now, at 52, and isn’t that something?!

Thank you Marnie, for teaching me and inspiring me, and encouraging me and being excited with me.

body image

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I assume that only you and I, Marnie, look at this blog — so I’m putting this stuff over here, since it relates to the purpose of the blog. I’ve been finding smart blogs about body image, and body image disorders, and even eating disorders (and recovery from), and getting my head in that kind of stuff. It tends to focus on addressing the inner criticism – and god knows I’ve got that in abundance – and focusing on strength and ability. One suggested this little exercise, which I’m too shy to put on Thrums so I put it here.

Five things I love about myself: (this list made me cry, cf #1 :) )

  1. the way I’m easily moved to tears (I didn’t used to love this about myself!)
  2. the way I try so hard, all the time
  3. the ways I have learned to be different from where I came
  4. my big heart
  5. my smile (again, I didn’t used to love this about myself!)

Five things my body can do: (this one was really hard)

  1. my body DID bring three human beings into this world and it fed them
  2. my body dances
  3. no matter how mean I’ve been to it or how much I’ve mistreated it, it’s still there, in the morning, to help me get up
  4. my body is really making the most of what I’m doing with it now! WONDERFUL body.
  5. my body helps me feel music, and love

Five things I’m grateful for:

  1. my precious children
  2. being alive
  3. daffodils
  4. my mind
  5. the travels I get to do with Marc
  6. [bonus!] love, giving and getting

Five things that make me happy I’m alive:

  1. well the list above, for 6
  2. having survived life and myself
  3. music, especially Light and Day, for some reason. I bliss out.
  4. chocolate
  5. funny videos

Five people who love me:

  1. Marc
  2. Katie
  3. Marnie
  4. Will
  5. Tom
  6. I could keep going on this one….

You know, of all the wonderful things you’ve done for me, and said to me, and shown me, one thing you said when you were here just slammed into me like a meteor, and I can’t stop thinking about it. And you weren’t smiling when you said it, you weren’t smiling and trying to make it nicer. It was when you said that when I put my body down it makes you feel bad because our bodies are similar. SLAM. It has stuck with me. That’s not what I want….what I really want is to be a happy example to my kids, of living a good life, of taking it up, of making the most of it, and of self-acceptance. Constantly saying the bitter things I say and think about myself doesn’t make any of those things possible! So thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart.

D7

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This is my 7th day — the end of my first week of this new way of being me in the world. I still love it. I love it, I love how it feels, I love taking the time to put it in my day and what it means that I do. I’ve been shy about it, in a strange way; last night I told Marc what I am doing, why I am doing it.

Aside from the very obvious physical aspects of this, there’s a much deeper reason for me. I always feel like Plan B, second best, the easily-forgotten one, easily tossed-aside, temporary placeholder. Isn’t that sad? And the implications are incredibly painful to me, and undoubtedly hard and frustrating for Marc. For me, I live in fear and anguish that any reminder of the previous women in his life (or awareness of new women he meets, even patients) will be nothing but a strong spotlight on my second-ratedness. That I’ll be seen for who I am, the lesser option. So I have these constant spasms and shots through my heart. And for him, how awfully frustrating! No matter how much he tells me he loves me, shows me he loves me, tells me all the things I say I long to hear, I don’t believe him.

So my deeper reason for doing this is to focus on myself and care for myself. To finally understand that I’m pretty good, and strong, and pretty, and of course I’m lovable!

I can’t say any of this without crying. I’ve found a bunch of blogs about this, about self-acceptance and things like that; more about style and fashion; more about fitness and wellness. It feels like an entirely new direction for my life.

Today I’m going to do something active, I’m just not sure what. At a minimum, I’ll get out for a fast walk, if the weather allows (it’s suppose to be rainy, we’ll see). If it’s bad weather, I’ll do some deep housecleaning and maybe some stretching or something. I found this site, which I fear is brought to us by Martha Stewart, but it still has some good stuff.

Thank you again, Marnie.

D6

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Exercise

Yesterday I rested from exercise, but I did walk a good bit. I’d planned to do some light yoga but the day got away from me with work, and I had a one-hour meeting in midtown plus I had writing group in the evening so I had to focus and get some work done. But that’s ok; it was meant to be a rest day anyway.

To stay on my revised schedule, this morning I did 30 minutes of flexibility yoga (followed by 15 minutes of meditation) and BOY am I inflexible. What’s so striking is how severely limited I am on my left side; I did the inverted triangle pose (I think that’s the name of it) just fine on the right side, and simply could not do it on the left. I had no idea how severe this limitation is. I see it in my warmups too, of course. Also, downward dog is hard, which feels bad because I used to be able to do it without any trouble. Now, my heels can’t touch the floor, I shake while I hold it, and I get out of breath.

Another profound limitation here at the beginning is strength in my back; I knew this one, and have suffered lower back pain for a long time. The flexibility yoga workout focuses a good bit on back flexibility, preparing for inverted poses. I can’t do the preparation poses, even with blocks or chairs. It’s frustrating, and a little discouraging, but luckily pain stops me from pushing myself beyond what I should be doing. At least now, at least today, I’m frustrated and a little discouraged but patient with myself. I have to start somewhere, and that’s where I am now.

Eating is my major challenge at this point, but I’m in discussions with my trainer about it. :) YAY for trainers.

Body image

This morning I put on a sports bra and yoga pants (with the wide waistband folded down), stood in front of a white wall, set up the camera on the tripod, closed my eyes, and took two photos: one front view, and one side view. I even looked at them before I filed them away in a folder on my computer, promising myself not to look at them again for one month, when I’ll take another set. It was kind of hard, but you know, it wasn’t as awful as I thought it would be (success!). I kind of knew how I looked, and it probably helped that I’ve lost a bit of weight over the last couple of weeks, and I could see some bits that were ok — I have a small waist compared to my bust and hips. I like that.

Again today, as every day since I started this change, I dressed. I didn’t just get dressed, I dressed. I put together an outfit (black skirt and tights, white camisole, light gray sweater, plus my garnet wedding necklace and earrings), moisturized my face and put a bit of eyeliner and mascara on, and fixed my hair (a french braid across the front continuing to braid the rest). A couple days ago I looked around YouTube for hair tutorial videos and found a few really good ones that would work for my hair. I feel kind of tender towards myself about all this; these are the things teenagers learn, and I’m 52.

Anyway, I think I look good. It’s easier to stand up straight, for a whole bunch of reasons.

what makes the muskrat guard his musk

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Courage. The Chinese character for courage is tattooed on my spine, along with all the others, and I do have courage even if I don’t know how to define it. But do I have enough courage for photographs? For real, un-glammed-up photographs? This morning Marnie gave me a link from a real-live woman who did what I’m doing, but (a) she was younger, and (b) she was starting from a much heavier place (it’s just on a page of reader mail, so the next time I’m looking for it: search for Frances, 8/8/09).

Tomorrow morning, while I have some privacy, I’m going to put on my yoga pants and sports bra and stand against the white wall and be honest. I hope. I hope I can bear it by keeping in mind the “after” photos that will come one of these days.