Tag Archives: thoughts

looking back and taking stock

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me, june 17, 2011. the smallest pants i own, and they're loose around my waist. SUCH PROBLEMS.

Since I always record what I did the last time and the current time, I can see progress — on Tuesday I did 22 kettlebell swings, today I did 25. On Monday, I held plank for 60 seconds and on Thursday, for 70 seconds. That’s always such a good feeling, even if the increments are so very tiny. But they’re always increments, not decrements. I am getting stronger, more flexible, straighter, bendier, all those wonderful things.

I can plot graphs of my physical changes (and you can bet I have excel spreadsheets with beautiful graphs of the change scores). That feels so good. Fat going down, muscle going up. Tiny changes month to month — half an inch here, quarter of an inch there — but changes in the best directions.

Still, even though I am always aware of the improvement, it wasn’t until I looked back at the very beginning posts on this blog that I really SEE it. My starting goals:

strength: I don’t have specific endpoints in mind per se, but I look forward to being able to hold plank for 30 seconds, side plank for 10 seconds; to doing regular squats with a kettlebell; 30 pushups modified, and eventually unmodified. I look forward to being able to walk around carrying bags without being worn out so easily. I look forward to feeling strong.

flexibility: my back is so spasmic and weak, and I want to be able to bend and stretch and pick up things without it going out; I want my hip joints to be flexible and without pain; I want my hamstrings to be flexible; I want to be able to do yoga again.

And I look back at the first recordkeeping I did:

  • modified squats: 3 sets of 10 (the last set was nearly too much)
  • modified pushups: 3 sets of 10
  • plank: 3 sets, 6 seconds
  • modified side plank: 3 sets, 10 seconds but not up yet
  • hip thrust: 3 sets of 20 (really out of breath in the middle of 2nd set)
  • leg raise: 3 sets of 20 both legs (out of breath and shaky in the 2nd set)

Except for the births of my kids and their accomplishments, and getting my education, nothing else makes me as proud as this. I am amazed and so incredibly grateful.  Aside from the quantitative improvements, so much else has changed — I don’t say/think such hateful things to and about myself any more. I think I look pretty great, and I enjoy getting dressed and don’t skulk around, hoping not to be seen. I believe I have never looked better than I do now, at 52, and isn’t that something?!

Thank you Marnie, for teaching me and inspiring me, and encouraging me and being excited with me.

D7

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This is my 7th day — the end of my first week of this new way of being me in the world. I still love it. I love it, I love how it feels, I love taking the time to put it in my day and what it means that I do. I’ve been shy about it, in a strange way; last night I told Marc what I am doing, why I am doing it.

Aside from the very obvious physical aspects of this, there’s a much deeper reason for me. I always feel like Plan B, second best, the easily-forgotten one, easily tossed-aside, temporary placeholder. Isn’t that sad? And the implications are incredibly painful to me, and undoubtedly hard and frustrating for Marc. For me, I live in fear and anguish that any reminder of the previous women in his life (or awareness of new women he meets, even patients) will be nothing but a strong spotlight on my second-ratedness. That I’ll be seen for who I am, the lesser option. So I have these constant spasms and shots through my heart. And for him, how awfully frustrating! No matter how much he tells me he loves me, shows me he loves me, tells me all the things I say I long to hear, I don’t believe him.

So my deeper reason for doing this is to focus on myself and care for myself. To finally understand that I’m pretty good, and strong, and pretty, and of course I’m lovable!

I can’t say any of this without crying. I’ve found a bunch of blogs about this, about self-acceptance and things like that; more about style and fashion; more about fitness and wellness. It feels like an entirely new direction for my life.

Today I’m going to do something active, I’m just not sure what. At a minimum, I’ll get out for a fast walk, if the weather allows (it’s suppose to be rainy, we’ll see). If it’s bad weather, I’ll do some deep housecleaning and maybe some stretching or something. I found this site, which I fear is brought to us by Martha Stewart, but it still has some good stuff.

Thank you again, Marnie.

D3: 4.12.11

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30 minutes of strength-training yoga with Rodney Yee; I can’t do the side stretch pose, at all. I started having real trouble in sequence 3. In downward facing dog, my heels cannot touch the mat, and I can never touch my feet / ankles / the floor in any extension.  Ended with 15 additional minutes of guided meditation.

*****

One thing Marnie does when she wants to make a change is to set a restricted time frame — that’s an upside down way compared to how I’ve always done it. The easiest example relates to weight loss: I’m dieting until I lose X pounds. Well hell, who knows how long that might take, and there’s no good end in sight. Just a long string of days without. But with Marnie’s way, I find myself thinking well hell, I can do anything for X days!

So this commitment to myself lasts through the end of August, period. I can do anything for 3 months, right? The week I’m in Turkey I probably won’t be maintaining my routine, so I’m anticipating that without recrimination. When I get back, I’ll just do my daily thing.